shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can you bring me the toilet please
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
