When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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