why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
