I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
