The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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