I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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