Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
