My first STD was from a foam party
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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