I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
