Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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