i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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