Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
