I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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