Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
