im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I can't turn off my feet"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
