I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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