You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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