My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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