You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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