Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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