I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
