just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
