Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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