the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
dude. I can hear the air.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
