Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
