my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
