Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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