he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
