using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
