I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
