I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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