My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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