he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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