Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
