I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
