I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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