thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
