I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
