3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
