No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
