the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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