You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
