Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Couch. On fire.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
