So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
