I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
