you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
