There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
