I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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