On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just tell him i said nine months
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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