New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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