Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
