she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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