Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
