Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
