i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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