he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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